For the sake of argument, introverts generally recharge by spending time alone while extroverts generally recharge by spending time with people. But we would be wrong to think that this translates as, “introverts don’t like people while extroverts do”.

Eternity spoke to some self-declared introverts and asked them what church looks and feels like for them.

The congregation member

The introverted congregation member might feel particularly isolated, especially considering the importance of Christian community. They might feel judged for wanting to leave immediately after the service and not mingle over morning tea. Or they might not know how to politely refuse the four lunch and dinner invitations they received in the 30 steps from the door to their seat. What many of us would consider “good welcoming procedures” might actually scare the introvert amongst us.

Guan, a writer for Eternity says that when he walks into church on a Sunday morning he feels “nervous and excited”. Nervous because he’s “aware of relational things to navigate, and conscious of wanting to welcome people well”; excited because he “loves church and had lots of friends there” who he trusts.

He revealed that at church he generally feels uncomfortable for a fair portion of the time. But he was quick to follow that up with, “church isn’t about what I do and don’t like”.

He said that people don’t generally make adjustments for his introversion, and that he has learnt to be extroverted in some ways, like being at church and conducting small talk. He has learned to force himself to act these ways, because “church isn’t all about me”.

The Women’s Minister

Ministers have a reputation for being chatty. Women have a reputation for being chatty. So what do we do with a women’s minister who is a bit introverted?

Jasmine identifies as being “more introverted than extroverted”. She says that on Sundays she “becomes extroverted at church, almost without knowing it. It kind of happens automatically”.

Church can be scary for Jasmine, depending on how well she knows people. When she knows people well she says she is “likely to act more extroverted because the relationships are comfortable”, but when she doesn’t know people well her introversion tends to take over.

She says that the reason she is at church is to talk to people. “Church is a family. It is the gathering of God’s people. People will know that we are Jesus’ disciples if we love one another. And loving one another means putting myself out of my comfort zone”, Jasmine says.

People have loved her in her introversion by being persistent in trying to have a friendship with her. She confesses that sometimes this is an introverts’ worst nightmare. She is thankful that people include her even though she is quiet, and listen when she has something to say.

The Minister’s Wife

A young woman, married to the assistant minister, with two small children, who is also an introvert, might just have the hardest job in the church.

Claire describes herself as “pretty severely introverted, although not as bad as I used to be”. She confesses that she feels guilty about not having as many deep friendships as someone in her position could have, and often leaves church thinking, “I could have talked more”. She is honest in admitting that some of that is laziness.

In church, her focus is automatically narrow, and in conversations with her husband later she sometimes realises she wasn’t able to process all the people who were there.

At morning tea, she prefers to have one proper conversation with one person. But she tends to sail through the room smiling, and then excuse herself to go and chase the children. She admits that if the kids don’t need to be chased then she can feel a bit lost.

She is thankful that the church has not expected too much of her. They have not asked her to run ministries or step into the roles occupied by the previous minister’s wife. The lack of pressure has enabled her to work out what it means for her to be the minister’s wife in her own way.

The Minister

An introverted Christian minister seems like a contradiction in terms. Ministers love talking to people, don’t they?

Eternity spoke to a Pastor who identifies himself as “fairly strongly introverted”. When he walks into church on a Sunday, he doesn’t feel anxious, but he has to intentionally think about “getting into a headspace that is not natural”. This is the intentionality of engagement with people, of thinking carefully about what he says, “it takes energy; it’s work”.

He reflects that the post-church chitchat can be difficult with people he doesn’t know, especially when English is their second language. Getting to know people is hard work.

He feels like there are expectations that as a pastor he should be very “chatty and outgoing and effusive”, but acknowledges that these expectations might not be there. His current battle is with hospitality. He wonders how much time he should take for himself and how much he should give to other people. His temptation is to spend more time alone, and “to not do this takes intentionality”.

His final remarks: “don’t assume that quietness means I don’t like you. Just chill out and let me be me”.

Featured image: flickr/mrkwaniesam. Used under a CC licence.