You could almost hear the Christian community gasp in unison this weekend when pastor and popular author Rick Warren (author of The Purpose Driven Life) told the world his 27-year-old son Matthew had committed suicide on Friday night.
For some reason, we struggle to comprehend the idea of a successful pastor having a tragic family life. Naively, we think if you have the faith to write an inspirational tome, surely you won’t encounter the symptoms of a fallen world. How wrong we are! Death and evil affect us all.
Matthew’s death was tragic, not just for the loss of life, but because it reveals even the most supportive family, church community and expert medical treatment cannot necessarily break the weight of sadness resting on many people’s shoulders.
But this isn’t and must not become a reason for the Christian community to give up supporting and loving those among us who live with depression. The struggle for the church, of course, is to know how.
Often people with depression don’t feel like doing life, which makes reciprocal friendship hard to say the least. Someone struggling with depression might push friends away as they don’t reply to emails or texts, fail to turn up for things and hide under the covers instead. What should you do if this is the case? Often it’s the choice between giving up contacting them, or persisting, in spite of rejection.
Mental health occupational therapist and pastor’s wife, Gabby Boyd, says it’s important for Christians to persevere with their depressed friends even if they’re given the cold shoulder.
“If you’ve got a friend with depression, it’s actually really important that you do persist in trying to spend time with them, and if you can, adjust your expectations of them.”
“They might have lower energy, look flatter, be less reactive and not as full of life as you remember them, but you have to be very clear not to take things personally. How they present and react to you- that’s actually part of the condition.”
What makes persevering in friendship particularly hard is when is the depressed person lashes out at their friend, or ceases contact completely. Gabby says it’s important to have reasonable expectations of friendship with a depressed person, but also to speak up if you feel hurt.
“You do need to modify your expectations of them. A key symptom of depression is irritability, so they might be a bit snappy. They’ll be struggling with low frustration tolerance.”
“On one hand, you should reduce your expectations of how your friend is going to be, but I don’t think you should have no expectations. You can challenge them if they’re being rude.”
The truth is, there are many Christians out there who feel like Matthew, and many of them cannot tell you what they need, because in the end, it is hard for even them to know.
But this is not a reason for us not to ask.
A Christian friend of mine with depression was telling me how recently her one bedroom flat had become a disaster zone after months of not having the energy to make micro-decisions about what to throw out, what to keep, where to put what. The mess was starting to take its toll.
That is until a mutual friend of ours realised she’d never asked her what she could do to help. Our friend with depression said for the first time in her life, she realised it was okay to ask for help, so she suggested our friend could spend some time cleaning her apartment, even though it would be kind of embarrassing to let her do that; a bit like letting someone wash your feet. A few productive hours later and my friend’s apartment felt like home again and our mutual friend kept saying how much she loved cleaning. Win, win.
Sometimes all we need to do is ask the person who’s feeling depressed if we can help with something simple. Christians are great at post-birth meal rosters, but how about providing support at other times of life? Why not offer to cook a meal, spend a few hours cleaning their house, babysit their kids, help them run some errands, take them for a walk? Anything to help with getting through everyday life.
Often Christians with depression will also miss church regularly, and the challenge for their friends is knowing how to respond in a way that’s loving, but not guilt-inducing. Gabby says it’s about keeping the friendship going so that you can help facilitate their return to church even if it means showing up for part of the time or leaving straight after the service.
“If someone continues to withdraw, week after week, then going back to church is going to get harder and harder, so I think keeping some link is very important if even in a smaller sense.”
“Why not actually go over to their house and see them when they’re not at their best and find out what they’d feel comfortable with? Are they happy to be picked up as long as you agreed to leave at the end? Talk to them about how you think it would be do-able for them.”
More tips on helping a friend with depression:
http://au.reachout.com/Helping-a-friend-with-depression
If you are experiencing depression you can find more information at BeyondBlue, Headspace or Reachout.
Note: This post isn’t intended as medical advice.
Photo: http://www.flickr.com/photos/narciss/863345441/sizes/l/in/photostream/
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