“Sex-pectation” is the top issue sexologist Patricia Weerakoon is confronted with on a daily basis in her counseling sessions with Christian couples.

Weerakoon says a lack of pre-marital sex education is partly to blame.

“How much did you talk about sex in your pre-marriage course?” she asks. “Very little I would expect.”

“I’ve had couples who tell me that the most they talked about sex in those marriage preparation courses was a casual comment or two, like ‘it’s messy, take a towel’. Or ‘you’ve got to practice and work at it.’ Others have been reminded to not take it too seriously – to laugh about the first couple of times.”

While, according to Weerakoon, those comments, or at least the last two, are mostly helpful, it goes nowhere near what most Christian couples really need to know.

“The big problem is that young couples aren’t being given sufficient, correct advice. I would love to do more of that – one afternoon just to go through everything. A true analysis of what’s happening and what to expect. And to contextualize it in God’s pattern for good sex. One that says “I love you so much that I want what is best for you. And that is why we wait for marriage for true sexual intimacy. Lets spend this time getting to know each other truly.”

Weerakoon calls it the “nuts and bolts” of the marriage bed: what to expect, what things might go wrong, what things might go right. And she says it’s important to get to couples early in their engagement, or when they’re first getting serious.

“I’ll see couples who’ve met, start ‘going’ together. Then they’ll decide to get married, and they want to stay celibate until that time. Bless their hearts, they want to be godly. But boy, it’s tough!”

“They get so turned on when they’re together. The hormones are pumping. So two things happen: they start getting really intimate, but stop short of sex. They get really aroused, and then stop. Really aroused, and stop. Month after month. Sometimes year after year.

“Then they get married, and the excitement is gone.”

According to Weerakoon, the thrill of the forbidden is a large factor in arousal before marriage. But when the body is stopped consistently at a point in sexual arousal, it can create unhelpful patterns.

“You’re essentially setting up a pattern in your brain. So, after a couple is married, they reach a particular point and the brain says ‘ok, this is the point where you shut down’. So I’ll see couples with low desire, or the woman isn’t responding physically.”

A common complaint amongst newly married couples goes something like this: “But he/she was so turned on before marriage, and now it’s like they’re just not interested anymore”. Or “But we were so good together before we were married!”

“Well, of course” says Weerakoon. “You were stopping before the main event then. And it was forbidden – your adrenalin levels were through the roof. There is also the matter of guilt.

“Before marriage, the brain is telling you ‘you shouldn’t be doing this’, when you get intimate with your boyfriend or girlfriend. After marriage, the brain still thinks something isn’t right. It’s old habits. And your brain gets wired into these behaviours.”

Weerakoon says it’s important to tell couples this early, to stop them creating the patterns in the first place, and to explain to them the consequences of “arousing desire before the proper time”, as it says in Song of Solomon.

“The sexual world wants us to think that it is unrealistic to expect couples to withstand sexual desire before marriage. You have to have it now. What a killjoy these Christians are!

“We need to raise a generation who are willing to be counter cultural, who want to live God’s way because they know it’s the way he intended, and that it works.”

Along with Weerakoon’s suggestion, to prevent these issues arising, she says couples in their early Christian life experiencing low desire or unresponsiveness need to go back to basics.

“We need to look back at God’s intention for sex. And ask, where is your identity? Is your identity in Christ? Or is it in having a good sex life? That priority is important.

“It’s about making sacrifices – doing less of what you want. The basis is about caring and loving the other person. This other-focused loving is forgetting about my satisfaction or my performance and focusing on love and intimacy.”

Weerakoon stresses that there is non-sexual intimacy too, that can have a flow-on effect in the bedroom.

“Sometimes the most erotic thing for a woman is the husband showing he’s willing to work around the house while she has a rest – perhaps with a glass of wine.”

Weerakoon suggests couples facing sexual disappointment in early married life should rebuild their sense of other-focussed loving. “And put in some erotic stuff along the way. It works, it really does help couples.”

Patricia Weerakoon’s Teen Sex By The Book (published by Fervr) is now available. Written for teenagers 15 to 19, it’s a frank and honest exploration about sexuality and relationships, exploring the topics of  sexual desire and arousal, falling in love and dating. For more information, click here.

Next week, Patricia Weerakoon speaks to Eternity about the impact of pornography on marriage. To find out more about Patricia and her work, click here.