I’m not a good listener. I could say it’s because I’m half deaf in my right ear (it’s all self-inflicted from a hobby, so no sympathy required!) Or I could be a bit more honest and say it’s a bloke thing. When I’m in ‘Newspaper Land’, or ‘TV Land’ I just don’t hear my wife or daughter start speaking to me. But the real answer is, “Listening is hard work.” It takes effort, care and humility.

Effort in that I have to concentrate, care in that I need to engage with what someone is saying, and humility in that I have to believe that what they are saying is important enough for me to listen rather than simply wait for a gap to say my piece.

You’d think listening would be one of life’s most basic skills and yet so many blokes just don’t do it. A male conversation ends up being two people taking turns to talk at rather than to one another. But the Bible says that watching how someone listens is one way of recognising a fool: “To answer before listening – that is folly and shame.” (Prov.18:13)

It’s pretty obvious that if I really listen to you I’m much more likely to learn what’s actually going on. It means I’m more likely to empathise with you, to see the struggles taking place even beneath your words. It takes effort, care and emotional energy.

It’s also interesting that Jesus’ brother James links listening with being slow to get angry: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19)

If I actually understand what’s going on for someone, empathise where they’re at, slow down a little and think, I’m much less likely to get angry – especially if what they have to say is critical of me. In fact how you listen to criticism demonstrates how wise you are: “Like an earring of gold or an ornament of fine gold is the rebuke of a wise judge to a listening ear.” (Prov. 25:12)

And with listening comes another mark of wisdom – speaking less. “The more the words, the less the meaning, and how does that profit anyone?” (Ecclesiastes 6:11)

And once we start listening, it’s worth zeroing your ears in on what’s best. Again and again Jesus pleads with us to listen to him, and to his words because in his words we’ll find life. He says that when the dead hear the voice of the Son of God, “…those who hear will live.”

So here’s a challenge. Try for one day to really listen to what people say. Listen, think, ask follow-up questions, understand what they are saying – then listen some more. You might be surprised at what you learn, and how it transforms both you and your conversations.

Illustration: Rick & Brenda Beerhost via Flickr