This September, I celebrated 15 years of being married to my wonderful, beautiful, intelligent and fabulous wife, Renee. And, I’m not proud to say, for the first 10 or so of those years, I was not a great husband.

Compared to the average husband, I was probably pretty good: I didn’t get violent, I didn’t humiliate her, I didn’t have any affairs, I didn’t secretly gamble away our money… but that’s not the issue.

The issue is this: I shouldn’t have been comparing myself to the average husband – I should’ve been comparing myself to Jesus, and how he laid down his life for his church.

That change in benchmark changes everything.

Looking back on the last 15 years of marriage got me thinking – what would I tell a younger version of myself about marriage, if I had the chance?

Renee and I were married young. I was 21. She was 19. We were two young kids really, who loved each other, thought we were pretty mature, and were looking forward to our “happily ever after”. What I’ve learned over the last 7 years about God and his design of marriage has meant the difference between being an “average Christian husband”, and being a man who now has a strong marriage – a marriage built on friendship, trust, love and commitment.

Please don’t read more into this than intended – I’m not claiming for a second that I have it all together or that I’m not still on a journey like every other bloke. And if there’s any change in me at all, it’s not about me and my abilities, but about God’s love, patience and grace.  I struggle. I fail. I fall. But I pick myself up by the grace of God, and have found I’m faster to forgive – Renee, my kids and myself as the case may be.

So, what would I tell the 21-year-old version of Glen Parker, or another young Christian husband asking for advice?  I’d like to think my “self talk” would go something like this:

It’s not about you – it’s about Jesus.
Lay down your goals at the foot of the cross – submit them to God. If he’s behind your goals and dreams, they’ll bring you life and blessing… but be prepared to let them go if you’ve made them an idol or they’re not in line with God’s bigger picture.

Jesus gave up (literally!) everything for us; he was tempted by Satan himself to claim that which was rightfully his. But Jesus knew his Father’s plans required him to deny his own desires.
In the same way, you’re called to lay down your life for your wife. If your own ambition, goals and dreams are achieved at her expense, you’ve lost the most precious gift God’s given you outside of salvation itself.

Listen to your wife – she knows stuff.
Just because your wife says things like, “I just don’t feel right about it”, “That guy just… I don’t know… there’s something just not right going on there”, or “I have a sense that we should talk to someone older and wiser before we decide” doesn’t mean she’s being emotional, superstitious or afraid.

Most of the time, she’s listening to her intuition or a prompt from the Holy Spirit. Don’t be pig-headed; listen to her– talk through it if you want, but don’t dismiss it.

Your wife is much more in touch with her emotions than you. Look through the words to the heart behind them. What’s she really trying to say? What does her body language tell you about what she’s feeling? For goodness sake, ask her how she’s feeling– don’t simply try and interpret the thoughts in her head based on the words coming out of her mouth.

Shut up and listen.
Your wife needs to feel heard, so bite your tongue and let her finish before jumping in with a witty anecdote, a solution to a problem she doesn’t have, or a defensive reply.

Your wife will feel valued when she believes she has been heard. If you want to drive a wedge between you and her, just stop listening.

Make time in your week to sit down with your wife over a cuppa, look into her eyes and ask her genuinely, “So… how are you going?” Then, shut up. Listen. Observe. Take note of areas where you may be able to help her out, pray for her or ask more questions to get to the source of her comments.

Take the lead.
Yes, you think your wife is strong– but if she’s strong, it’s only because she’s trying to make up for where you’re lacking. Sometimes, when women are in marriages where their husbands are not leading, they will naturally “rise up” and fill that role. That doesn’t mean they like to or want to– they often take on this role out of frustration, fearing that if they don’t step up, their family will be uncovered or lacking direction.

This may not come naturally to you, but practice it like you would practice changing any other habit. Be the one to come up with ideas for the next family holiday. Be the one to suggest plans for the weekend. Be the one to encourage the kids in setting goals, and set some with your wife.

Trust God, have faith – quit worrying.
There are more verses in the scripture about worry, fear, and anxiety than there are about love. This should tell us something: God knows we are fearful, pathetic little sheep. We worry about everything and when we’ve got nothing to worry about, we worry that we’ve got nothing to worry about.

Trust in your Heavenly Father, and do not waste your energy worrying about things you could take to him in prayer. Hasn’t he sustained you this far?

Stewardship, stewardship, stewardship!
Recognise that everything you have, you have because of God – and if you don’t respect it, manage it or appreciate it, you’ll probably lose it. Stewardship is vitally important – stewardship of your time, your money, your resources, your health… everything that God has given to you.

God wants to entrust you with more, but like a loving father does, he won’t place more into your hands until he has observed you are qualified and able to handle the increase.

Be grateful for what you have in all areas of your life and demonstrate a willingness to take care of all God has blessed you with.

Get accountability … now.
Find someone you know, trust and respect who can hold you accountable in every aspect of your life. This should be someone who will speak the truth to you in love, call out “development areas” and encourage you along the way.

You are not the final authority. You do not know everything. And if left to your own devices, you (like most other guys) are going to get a lot of things wrong.
Never let yourself be in a situation where you are answerable to no one but yourself.

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I don’t know if, as a 21 year old I would have listened to this advice. Only God knows. But here’s what I do know: I’ll be teaching my own son, 8-year-old Ethan, as much of this stuff as I can. Gently, over time. So it sinks in as his understanding develops.

And with God’s help, by the time Ethan’s 21, he’ll be that much wiser than his “old man” and that much more equipped to lead his own family.

Glen Parker works as an IT manager and helping small business owners with their marketing. Together with Antony Crowe, he runs a website called Men of Courage, which seeks to encourage and resource Aussie Christian men to lead their families, with Jesus as their model. The site provides ‘resources for Christian men seeking to live a life of courage’.

Featured image: http://www.sxc.hu/photo/697293