Marriage is the God ordained context where man and woman fulfil God’s commands to subdue and rule the earth; and do it while procreating to fill the planet (Genesis 1:27-30). In Genesis (2:24-25) we read that a man will leave his parents and be united with his wife. This coming together of sexual intimacy will be a one-flesh, naked and no shame experience between husband and wife – every act a sacrament of remembrance of the mutual promises and a delightful building up of trust, love and bonding.

Why then do so many couples feel unhappy and discontented in sexually unfulfilled marriages?

As a Christian sexologist and therapist, I believe that there are two broad reasons for this.

Patricia Weerakoon’s new book on sex in marriage is published this month.

Firstly, we have moved away from the biblical view of sexual intimacy in marriage as other-focussed, sacrificial mutual pleasuring (1 Corinthians 7:3-5) that portrays in a small way the relationship of Christ to his church (Ephesians 5:25-31). Instead we accept the secular worldview of individualism and self-fulfilment that frames sex as a personal need that must be met. This is driven by media portrayal of sex as an act of self-gratification of personal desire where a couple are both instantly turned on and have hot passionate sex with earthshattering simultaneous orgasm in a context of a casual sexual encounter devoid of any lifelong commitment. Overlaid on this are pornified fantasies of sexual behaviour and the acceptance of women as a commodity for male pleasure[1]. This leads to unrealistic expectations in marital sex.

True sexual contentment in marriage will only be possible when both partners discover Christ centred other-focussed loving that seeks to satisfy the other rather than please one self.

The second reason lies in our inability to understand the created goodness of man and woman as equal and complementary. Men and women are equal before God in that they are both God’s image bearers (Genesis 1:27). However, they are intrinsically different, and this difference goes beyond genital structure. Men and women function, think and respond differently.

The sexual response in men and woman is subtly different. Although men vary considerably in their individual interest in sex, the average man is much more ‘desire driven’ and easily turned on than woman. There is a  genital-focussed, linear pattern of sexual response (desire –> arousal –> orgasm –> resolution) set early in development in the male.

A woman’s motivation for sexual activity, however, is multifaceted. Sometimes it is a testosterone and neurochemical-driven, spontaneous appetite for sex, as in men. However, this is the rarity rather than the norm. Most often, the motivation to engage in sexual activity depends on what’s happening at that moment—the immediate context; the wish for intimacy, satisfaction from prior sexual experiences, maybe even as a sign of appreciation for something her spouse has done. Maybe it is because she wants to get pregnant, and today’s the day, sometimes even offering her body as a gift to her husband. On the negative side, a female can use sex as a tool of power or manipulation, and even a job.

Whatever the motivation, what happens next in the woman is interesting. Unlike in the man, where sexual desire is necessary to drive the changes of genital arousal; in the woman the onset of sexual activity and the sensual touching, loving words and romancing by her husband results in the physiological changes of arousal in the genitals. It is after this that many women begin to feel the brain changes of sexual desire. This ‘responsive’ sexual desire feeds back to increase the body arousal levels. So, as she relaxes and allows herself to enjoy being made love to, her body and brain respond. And, unlike men, many females describe the outcome of sexual activity as physically rewarding, even ‘satiating’ without necessarily experiencing orgasm. This satisfaction feeds back to feelings of intimacy, completing a circle. We end up with what is called ‘a circular intimacy driven model’[2] of sexual response in females.

Can you see the complementary nature of the response? Men are (generally) easily aroused and then able to lead their wife in gentle, other-focussed loving into sexual arousal and intercourse. Here we see the sexual acting out of man’s leadership in romancing his wife and the sweet submission of the woman in allowing herself to be romanced—an Ephesians 5 (22-33) love in action.

Misinterpretation of this intrinsic and beautiful complementarity leads to couples sexual concerns such as poor or absent sexual desire and problems with lovemaking including pain during sex, erectile concerns and orgasmic dysfunctions. Men interpret a lack of desire in their wife as a personal rejection, and women are turned off by the intercourse focussed lovemaking of their spouse.

What should a couple do to improve their sex life?

Firstly get a clear understanding of the biblical foundations of sex and marriage[3]. Familiarise yourself with the complementary nature of your sexuality and how best you function as a couple. Finally, accept that while sex is wonderful, there is much more to a marriage. Enjoy sex, don’t idolise it. Know that there will be mountaintop experiences, but there will also be times of frustration when you will need to settle for a ‘good enough’ sexual experience. And if you are as a couple distressed or dissatisfied, never be too ashamed or embarrassed to ask for help.

Patricia Weerakoon is the author of the bestseller ‘Teen Sex by the Book’, published by Youthworks, and has been shortlisted for the Caleb Award 2013. Her new book ‘The Best Sex For Life’ will be published this month also by Youthworks. Both books are available from cepstore.com.au and from Christian booksellers. 

Patricia can be contacted via her web page patriciaweerakoon.com