You know that person who when they sit down on a train, no one wants to sit next to them; the person who talks too much, has too many problems and likes to share them. That person who “when they sit, they sit alone”. That person, difficult or different as they are, is made in the image of God. And it’s the challenge of the Christian to figure out how best to care for them without encouraging a kind of dependency.

58-year-old Mick Duncan is a man who’s walked with these kinds of people—people on the margins—for a long time. After emerging from the alternative hippy culture and world of drugs in the 70s to become a Christian, Mick undertook theological training, before taking his young family off to the slums of Manila for ten years, until 1994.

With his eyes opened to the global poor, Mick returned to his homeland of New Zealand with a mission to develop a model of pastoral care which enables people on the margins in a healthy, positive way.

Called ‘Alongsiders’ this model of ministry was borne out of Mick and his social worker wife Ruby’s real life experience, academic research and training.

“Being an alongsider means being more than a friend, but less than a social worker,” says Mick. “Friendship is serendipitous, it’s random, it’s going with the flow and positive chemistry. But to walk alongside someone who is different and difficult demands a high degree of intentionality. Yet it requires less than being a social worker. In other words, you can do this as a non-professional.”

It’s a difficult tension to maintain, but one Mick is convinced can transform the way you relate to people who are typically misunderstood or ignored by the church.

“This kind of person usually self-defines themselves as a victim. They usually put themselves in the box of powerlessness, and they usually blame a whole lot of other entities or people for their situation—other people are the bullies. And then they look to you to be their rescuer.”

Sound familiar? These people are in our churches, they’re at bus stops on our street; they are in our office, the school yard. Importantly though, Mick says you can’t rescue them.

“You can’t be their rescuer. That’s called the unhealthy triangle. And they’ll suck you into that triangle. So what you have to do in order to survive these relationships and not get burnt out is to redefine each end of the triangle.”

Mick says walking alongside someone involves being there long-term and re-framing how they see the world, reiterating that they aren’t powerless, that people who speak the truth aren’t bullies and that you can’t be their rescuer, but you can be their supporter.

“Now to be a supporter, you have to put boundaries around what is in your power to do, and what is not in your power to do with this person,” Mick says. “So it might be that in your season of life, you can only meet every three weeks. And you need to explain that.”

It’s important, he says, not to make promises you can’t keep. Instead, work out what you can commit to, and commit to it, and that will depend on your circumstances.

“You’ve gotta know the season that you’re in. So if you’re in a season where you can only do one of these relationships, do one. I think five is about maximum. So give yourself permission to be in the season you’re in, but not to stay in that season.”

Mick will be speaking at Surrender, a conference held in March in Melbourne which focuses on ministry to the margins. The theme of this year’s conference is ‘Walk Alongside’.

“It’s not just an aspiration, there’s a real art and a science to [walking alongside someone]. It’s like a dance; there’s steps and missteps. And you’ve got to learn the dance and so I’m going to be teaching the dance. Ruby and I have been doing and teaching this dance for more than 10 years now.”

To hear more of Mick’s model on how to minister to people who walk alone, register for Surrender here. He’ll also be launching his book Alongsider at Surrender.